Time after time

        We’re waiting……we’re waiting…..we’re waiting…… Well, all is calm on the home front, unfortunately. I’ve come to the realization that there is something worse than a pregnant woman that is nesting… a pregnant woman nesting that has nothing left to do but wait.


       Of course, I have been the epitome of supportive. I share my unbounded excitement about raising this child with such a wonderful woman. That is immediately followed by hot flashes, heart palpitations, nausea, and the realization that I don’t have a clue on how to handle a baby. I realized recently that I have only held one baby in my entire life. This realization accompanied by my superhuman ability to drop everything I pick up induces massive and debilitating panic attacks about three times a day.

      Within every 24 hour period, I am asked about 727 times whether or not I am ready, and I have no clue how to accurately answer this question. Let’s see… am I ready to sleep for 60 minutes at a time only to be awaken by the screams of an infant wearing something that can only be compared to a nuclear spill…..NO! I am not ready for that as our cat found out at 2:00 AM when he flew across the room after interrupting one of the few nights that I have left of peaceful sleep. Also, while we are on the topic of diapers, I should mention that I am rapidly approaching the Guinness World Record for the most consecutive amount of gag reflexes when within a smelling distance of a baby explosion. I am unsure how this will be handled in the near future since (along with my super ability to drop things) I have the smelling ability of a bloodhound. Will I have a barf bag attached to my side for the next seven years? Though, I am not even sure that we will be allowed to bring this precious child home once he/she graces us with birth. Evidently, car seats, though manufactured in China, are designed by the out of work nuclear rocket scientists from NASA. The only way our lovely newborn makes it home is if the professional car seat checker person is a redneck at heart because only a person of redneck background can truly appreciate the bungee cord technology that I have designed to secure our car seat.

           So……. we wait patiently in the living room only accompanied by each other’s pleasant companionship and these wonderful, overwhelming, crippling, panic inducing thoughts that race through my mind every fifteen minutes. Oh the joys of parenting.....and it hasn't even begun.