We’re waiting……we’re waiting…..we’re waiting…… Well, all is calm on the home front, unfortunately. I’ve come to the realization that there is something worse than a pregnant woman that is nesting… a pregnant woman nesting that has nothing left to do but wait.
Of course, I have been the epitome of supportive. I share my unbounded excitement about raising this child with such a wonderful woman. That is immediately followed by hot flashes, heart palpitations, nausea, and the realization that I don’t have a clue on how to handle a baby. I realized recently that I have only held one baby in my entire life. This realization accompanied by my superhuman ability to drop everything I pick up induces massive and debilitating panic attacks about three times a day.
Within every 24 hour period, I am asked about 727 times whether or not I am ready, and I have no clue how to accurately answer this question. Let’s see… am I ready to sleep for 60 minutes at a time only to be awaken by the screams of an infant wearing something that can only be compared to a nuclear spill…..NO! I am not ready for that as our cat found out at 2:00 AM when he flew across the room after interrupting one of the few nights that I have left of peaceful sleep. Also, while we are on the topic of diapers, I should mention that I am rapidly approaching the Guinness World Record for the most consecutive amount of gag reflexes when within a smelling distance of a baby explosion. I am unsure how this will be handled in the near future since (along with my super ability to drop things) I have the smelling ability of a bloodhound. Will I have a barf bag attached to my side for the next seven years? Though, I am not even sure that we will be allowed to bring this precious child home once he/she graces us with birth. Evidently, car seats, though manufactured in China, are designed by the out of work nuclear rocket scientists from NASA. The only way our lovely newborn makes it home is if the professional car seat checker person is a redneck at heart because only a person of redneck background can truly appreciate the bungee cord technology that I have designed to secure our car seat.
So……. we wait patiently in the living room only accompanied by each other’s pleasant companionship and these wonderful, overwhelming, crippling, panic inducing thoughts that race through my mind every fifteen minutes. Oh the joys of parenting.....and it hasn't even begun.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Empty Nest
OK...I am a little spooked. Someone has replaced my wife with someone that looks like her, walks like her, and talks like her but is definitely not her. I would like the original back! This particular version, we will call her Wife 2.0 from this point on --not at all to imply that this is an improved version because as Windows Vista and Coke will attest, newer isn't always better-- has gone completely nutso. Evidently, --and excuse me for not knowing this internationally understood concept-- there isn't just a right way and a wrong way to fold and stack towels, but also a particular way to vacuum, stack groceries, wipe the table, do the dishes so on and so forth... Also, is there really a need to dust the attic? It seems Wife 2.0 does not run on the same laid back program that the previous much more popular version ran on.
I was completely confounded as to what was happening to my peaceful universe, but after countless hours of research, I have finally uncovered the reason for the rapidly changing dynamic in our household. My wife has been stricken with a vicious disease called "nesting". I have to admit that I was not prepared for this primal urge to clean, prepare, and completely destroy all of my free time. Though, I am told that it is just preparation for our new arrival, and I am extremely concerned.........that my free time will never be the same again.
This new Mrs. Doubtfire version of my wife made me begin to wonder if I was prepared for my soon to be son/daughter. Internally, I was a wreck and needed time to reflect on these troubling thoughts. I quietly retreated to my Man Hole to do some deep soul searching. After what seemed like hours --2nd inning of the Cards game-- I began to feel better. I now realize that I, like most men I am sure, have my own version of nesting. What would that be called...Nesting for Men? Manesting? Anyhow, that is what I have been doing. Let me give you just a few examples of the hellacious nesting process that I have been putting myself through to welcome our little one to the world:
1) I play golf.
2) I meet friends for dinner and drinks.
3) I have renewed my relationship with my Xbox 360.
4) I purchased a smart phone.
5) I have tried new and challenging things (see entry about the stupid changing table.).
Now before you head to my house with pitch forks and hot coals for live roasting and fellowship, you need to hear my side (Speaking of roasting alive, we don't hear much about this once popular communal gathering anymore. I wonder if that is why communities don't seem as close as they once did? We need more roasting people...something to think about.) My side.... It is my understanding that I will not sleep or have free time for the next 26 years. It makes sense to me that I try to get in as much free time now as possible???? Therefore, I have been sacrificing all of my free time doing the aforementioned things for my future son or daughter. It's no wonder that I am have been completely exhausted as of late. Besides, can't we do all of the cleaning, assembling, and repacking when the baby sleeps? What's that huge fiery glow outside my window?
I was completely confounded as to what was happening to my peaceful universe, but after countless hours of research, I have finally uncovered the reason for the rapidly changing dynamic in our household. My wife has been stricken with a vicious disease called "nesting". I have to admit that I was not prepared for this primal urge to clean, prepare, and completely destroy all of my free time. Though, I am told that it is just preparation for our new arrival, and I am extremely concerned.........that my free time will never be the same again.
This new Mrs. Doubtfire version of my wife made me begin to wonder if I was prepared for my soon to be son/daughter. Internally, I was a wreck and needed time to reflect on these troubling thoughts. I quietly retreated to my Man Hole to do some deep soul searching. After what seemed like hours --2nd inning of the Cards game-- I began to feel better. I now realize that I, like most men I am sure, have my own version of nesting. What would that be called...Nesting for Men? Manesting? Anyhow, that is what I have been doing. Let me give you just a few examples of the hellacious nesting process that I have been putting myself through to welcome our little one to the world:
1) I play golf.
2) I meet friends for dinner and drinks.
3) I have renewed my relationship with my Xbox 360.
4) I purchased a smart phone.
5) I have tried new and challenging things (see entry about the stupid changing table.).
Now before you head to my house with pitch forks and hot coals for live roasting and fellowship, you need to hear my side (Speaking of roasting alive, we don't hear much about this once popular communal gathering anymore. I wonder if that is why communities don't seem as close as they once did? We need more roasting people...something to think about.) My side.... It is my understanding that I will not sleep or have free time for the next 26 years. It makes sense to me that I try to get in as much free time now as possible???? Therefore, I have been sacrificing all of my free time doing the aforementioned things for my future son or daughter. It's no wonder that I am have been completely exhausted as of late. Besides, can't we do all of the cleaning, assembling, and repacking when the baby sleeps? What's that huge fiery glow outside my window?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
